Album Review - THEOPHAGY - Theophagy (2010)

Theophagy is a melodic/symphonic/epic/progressive death metal sextuplet from Indiana, USA. Just like every currency in the world is always compared to the American dollar, every progressive death metal band must inevitably be compared to Opeth. It's unfair, but that's how things work. Theophagy score very well in this test, because they have their share of Opeth moments that we all love, but are also extremely original. I believe that progressive death metal is the ultimate do-whatever-the-fuck-you-want style of music. There are literally endless possibilities to what you can do, yet still maintain a unique mood and personality. Theophagy have realized this, and put out a powerful debut full-length utilizing this idea of musical freedom.

I have to confess; the first time I listened to this album, I was bored. But the second time, I was mildly entertained. At the third listen, I was enlightened. This band is definitely a grower. The songs are sometimes impossibly complex, and I can tell they were probably a bitch to write and learn, but it's all worth it. There are so many things you notice only after multiple listens, like how the drummer synchronizes his toms with the guitars' melody in "Confess", a truly brilliant idea if you ask me.



The keyboards are utilized very well on this album, and when they say it's symphonic, it really is. However, it does get brutal at times. There's no cheesy singing here, just a deep, hearty growl that fits the music very well, accompanied by long instrumental passages with lots of memorable riffs. Theophagy is definitely worth checking out and I look forward to another release.

And so The Malevolent Jester hath decreed.

Top 10 "Weird Looking Symbolic Thing Coming Towards You" Death Metal Album Covers

10.
Godless Rising/Obsecration Split

9.
Nervecell - Preaching Venom

8.

Dismember - Death Metal

7.
Book of Black Earth - Horoskopus

6.
Azarath - Praise the Beast

5.
Psycroptic - Ob(servant)

4.
Beheading Machine - The Psalm of Tripping God

3.

Nervecell - Psychogenocide

2.
Cynic - Traced In Air

1.
Nile - Annihilation of the Wicked

Album Review: AORTIC REGURGITATION - EP (2010)

Aortic Regurgitation - a 2-piece Chinese thrash metal band with middle-eastern influences. There are so many things strange (and awesome) with that sentence I don't even know where to begin. The band name itself is textbook goregrind, yet they play good ol' raw and dirty thrash. Huh? Let me guess, you will check this band out because like most metalheads, you are fascinated with discovering bands from Buttfuck, Nowhere-istan. Yes, this band is from Hong Kong. And yes, that's awesome. But more importantly, these guys are legitimately good and that's what matters. On a side-note, I'm not even sure if Hong Kong is part of China or what the deal is with that. But ever since I found out Taiwan is also called Republic of China, I've stopped involving myself in the retarded politics of that region.

But back to Aortic Regurgitation! Let's get the cons out of the way first. Actually, there's only one but it's fairly important; the bedroom production. The guitars and programmed drums sound great, it's mostly the vocals that are badly recorded and somewhat undecipherable. The vocalist, Cynthia Yim is no doubt absolutely killer at what she does though. She doesn't shout like traditional heavy/thrash metal vocalists, they're more growls resembling oldschool, evil-as-fuck thrash bands like Dark Angel. This pushes Aortic Regurgitation more towards the deathrash category. I should mention that the weak production on the vocals isn't necessarily a bad thing if you like that sort of raw sound. It might actually be a plus in that case, so decide for yourself!



The music itself isn't all middle-eastern influenced, like I misleadingly pointed out earlier, but they do play some of those sweet, intense melodies throughout the EP. The guitar work is very unique and refreshing at times. There are a number of memorable, hummable riffs, and I found myself enthusiastically bobbing my head from time to time. These guys are no doubt very talented. Overall, the EP takes influence from all kinds of thrash; evil, groovy, oldschool, and whatever you can name. They have some great solos, and even an instrumental. The latter I found to be a great idea, because the vocals can get a bit too much, and I believe they should let the music shine a bit more.

I will forgive the fact that this "album" doesn't have artwork or even a title, because these tracks show the true potential of Aortic Regurgitation, and to me that potential is very high. I hope this doesn't start and end as a bedroom project, and that they find more members - especially a real drummer - and become big. Also, the EP can be downloaded for free through the band's Myspace page. Or you can order it too. I personally cannot wait for a full-length. Definitely worth checking out!

And so the Malevolent Jester hath decreed.

Album Review: LIVING WITH DISFIGUREMENT - Thrill to the Terror of Death EP (2009)

Living With Disfigurement - 3 British death metal freaks who describe themselves as "sickening oldschool gore metal", a description that is accurate but misleading at the same time. This is the funnest music I've listened to in a long while. What you expect is loud, harshly produced goregrind, but what you get is fun, groovy, crushing old-school death metal.

Sometimes, the difference between a good band versus a band that sucks, is the vocals. Living With Disfigurement do not disappoint at all in the vocals department, quite the contrary. We often don't notice how awesome it is to have varied vocals, highs and lows taking turns, as opposed to the same kind of growls being repeated over and over again. Listening to this album proves this point. The song-writing and vocal composition on this is simply brilliant. The guitarist/lead vocalist takes care of the heavier parts with his low grunts, and the bassist provides almost black metal-esque highs over the lighter parts.

Make no mistake about it, these men can play their instruments. I always eargasm when I hear the neo-classical guitar solo in "The Dissemination of Human Suffering". In fact, there are melodic, well-thought-out solos throughout the EP, and I couldn't be happier about it. With just 3 members in the band, you pretty much have to give them all equal exposure, which works out perfectly because another great thing about Thrill to the Terror of Death is the prominent bass guitar, one of the reasons for that thick, groovy sound. The other reason is the drummer, who sometimes single-handedly progresses the songs with his endless array of varied, crushing drum beats.

People who are sick of the decibel overkill in modern metal will love this EP because of its relatively "soft" production. Don't worry, the music is brutal as fuck most of the time, but the difference is that it does not give you a headache. I have gone to bed listening to this EP a number of times. True story.

People of Britain, applaud this band, and make them big so we have a full-length soon. I just took off half a point because the album is too short.

And so The Malevolent Jester hath decreed.

Band Feature: MEANSTREAK - All-girl 80's thrash band married to Dream Theater

Ok, that last part would have been more interesting when Mike Portnoy was actually a part of Dream Theater (and we'll come back to it later). But here we go!

The one on the far left <3

Meanstreak were a kickass all-girl 80's thrash band from New York. In their decade long career, they released one full-length masterpiece in 1988, called "Roadkill". If you can find this album, get it. I don't care who you are or what kind of music you like, get it. Pirate it, steal it, buy it, it's all good. Let's put on a tune from the album as we go through this article:


This relatively soft song displays the truly awesome vocal abilities of the lead vocalist Bettina France. This woman can scream her lungs out, and completely nails the higher notes, unlike a few other thrash bands like Flotsam & Jetsam. Guitarists Marlene Apuzzo and Rena Sands soulfully shred like there's no tomorrow. With Lisa Pace on bass and Yael Devan on drums, this band has more balls than all of glam metal combined. They're more metal than the new Morbid Angel. I now want to have a sex change and start an all-girl Meanstreak tribute band. That's how good Meanstreak is. I feel like they're a combination of early Judas Priest and Metallica, but that's an unfair comparison because these girls are so goddamn original.

And now for the interesting trivia; 3 members of Meanstreak are married to 3 members associated with Dream Theater. Rena Sands (guitarist) is married to John Petrucci (guitarist). I know what you're thinking; post-coital dueling guitar solo session! And I bet that it has happened. Marlene Apuzzo (guitarist) is married to Mike Portnoy (ex-drummer). And Liza Pace (bassist) is married to John Myung (bassist). I think Meanstreak's Yael Devan got left out because she's a drummer and it's a universally known fact that drummers are fucking weird. Even her name is weird. Look at band picture above again. You see the weird looking chick in the middle? I bet that's Yael Devan.

And so The Malevolent Jester hath decreed.

Top 10 Worst Band Names Ever (Part 1)

Or Best. Depending on your point of view and/or how much your taste in music sucks. I've eliminated deathcore/metalcore because it is irrelevant, and goregrind because it's meant to be like that. These, however, are just plain dumb:

10. Thantifaxath

Luckily their music is fucking awesome.

9. Goatpenis

From a country whose major export is transsexual pornstars (Brazil) , it shouldn't be surprising that this band's name has to do with dicks.

8. Megadeth

It's really clever how they spelled "death" but without the "a".

7. Knights of Round

This is one of those things where you expect something to happen and.

6. Helloween

This is how my local telecommunication company advertises during October.

5. Horror of Horrors

Redundancy of Redundantness. These guys were actually pretty badass, but whenever I say their name it ends up sounding like Whore of Whores. It's just bad. Luckily their music makes up for it.

4. Baxaxaxa

1) No one knows what Baxaxaxa means. 2) It sounds retarded. And your music is bad. Go disband.

3. Edguy

"Edguy was founded in 1992 by 14-year-old students Yada, Yada and Yada. The name "Edguy" was an affectionate epithet for Mr. Edgar Siedschlag, their maths teacher at the time."

2. Paracoccidioidomicosisproctitissarcomucosis

No one has ever said your band name out loud. Ever.

1. Cinderella

Band like Twisted Sister make it clear that they are transvestites who desperately want to have sexual intercourse with men. Cinderella also does that, but it involves a perfectly innocent children's fairy tale. And it's kind of creepy. Cinderella, you take the cake for now.

And so The Malevolent Jester hath decreed.